Throughout our lives we make a multitude of agreements with ourselves for better or for worse. A book I read this past summer summarized this idea effectively and provided four agreements that, if followed, can help facilitate self acceptance and a more positive outlook on difficult situations.
The book is entitled “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz and in this post I will explain briefly what these agreements are along with their significance.
The First Agreement: Be Impeccable with Your Word
Words hold power. An insult can strike you to your core and bring you to tears while conversely praise can bring you feelings of elation and self worth. Although this is not inherently problematic in itself, it is the root from which these emotions stem that can be responsible for various difficulties we face in our day to day lives.
To be impeccable with our word means not to use our word or allow others words to be used against ourselves. Although this is easier said than done, it certainly can be achieved.
Our self perception whether we realize it or not is based on many different assumptions; some rooted in past experiences, things we’ve accomplished, things people have said about us, and finally there as some beliefs that are held rather arbitrarily but are nonetheless treated as if they are rooted in truth.
These assumptions constitute our self belief, and this self belief is the lens through which we view the world and shapes our interactions with others. When these words are negative, they recreate and further reinforce negative conceptions we hold of ourselves. This is only compounded by the words of others that often serve to further entrench our perceived inadequacy or inflated sense of self – both of which cloud our ability to objectively view both ourselves and the world.
To shift our thinking and thus how our words and others influence us, we must change the agreements we have with ourselves. If I believe myself to be caring, compassionate and intelligent genuinely, the negative words of others telling me otherwise will have no effect. The inner dialogue many of us experience which is often negative also loses its power, and is replaced by more empowering and positive thoughts.
Be impeccable with your word, and do no harm to yourself or others.
The Second Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally
This agreement is closely related to the first. If we hold agreements with ourselves that are negative, when we hear others or ourselves reinforce negative ideas about ourselves they will be accepted as truth and become further engrained into our personalities.
However, we must realize that negative comments from ourselves and others are a matter of opinion and to accept it as a universal truth is both absurd and unproductive. The beliefs of others and negative thoughts are often not under our control and cause harm. This is especially true if we are not conscious of the subjectivity of these negative statements.
Once this truth is realized, it allows ourselves to more confidently reject these negative opinions, and thus not take them personally. If negativity cannot permeate, it holds no power. Don’t take anything personally.
The Third Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions
As humans, we inherently tend to reject that which is unexplainable or unclear.
To overcome this insecurity, we have historically come up with inadequate explanations which are accepted as truth because they provide feelings of security whether or not they are corroborated by an objective measure of truth. This has lead to the belief in things such as witches and our planet being flat, both of which resulted in the senseless murder of those who opposed these unfounded assumptions.
This phenomenon takes place in our everyday lives as well, evident in our relationships with others and our perception of what we are able to accomplish. Often these assumptions can be problematic, especially when they may reinforce insecurities or negative thinking.
Being comfortable with uncertainty is powerful because it can be a tool to reduce anxiety and allows us to view the world more objectively than if we had filled in the blanks with assumptions which as demonstrated above can cause more harm than good. Being conscious of our tendency to make assumptions allows us to make better choices and therefore live better lives. Don’t make assumptions.
The Fourth Agreement: Always Do Your Best
We should always do our best at whatever we do. Although from day to day our best will vary, it is important consciously put forth our best effort that we can in a given moment.
Regrets are the consequence of lack of effort and can be much more disconcerting than simply putting in the effort toward the accomplishment of goals we consider important.
Although effort is important, the place we come from internally is arguably of more consequence. Effort should not be put forth merely for validation from others. As we discussed earlier, the thoughts of others are often arbitrary and incorrect. You will know your effort comes from a genuine place when it is accompanied by feelings of enjoyment and obstacles although difficult, are ultimately a source of pride once overcome.
Lastly, always do your best when attempting to follow these agreements. We will inevitably fail when attempting to change fundamental behaviours that have been engrained for years. This failure however, is not permanent. It is merely a place we must become familiar with while we strive for something better. Stay conscious of these mistakes and work to improve them, and you’ll soon find yourself viewing life more positively. Always do your best.
About the Author
Kumsa Yuya is an Ethiopian born Canadian who has recently graduated from the University of Guelph in Ontario, Canada. In the pursuit of his Criminal Justice and Public Policy degree he has become particularly interested in issues surrounding social justice and human rights. Law, politics, prison reform, religion, sexuality, education, and race are among the topics that he is most interested in.
